TO BE A STAR
by D. M. Larson
Part 8 "Moe Quits"
(GUARD jumps in the way of the girls)
GUARD
Hold it ladies.
MORGAN
Move it, bub. Or lose it!
GUARD
But I've got some exclusive memorabilia.
ALEXIS
What? What? Show us!
GUARD
I have here a piece of gum he chewed on the way here.
VICTORIA
I want it! I want it!
(GUARD gives it to her and she pops in her mouth)
VICTORIA (CONT.)
It's like kissing him.
BRIANNA
What else you got?
(GUARD takes out bag of chips)
GUARD
Half eaten bag of chips that he dropped on the floor and stepped on.
MORGAN
Me! Me!
GUARD
There you go.
MORGAN
I'll sprinkle these crumbs on everything I eat from now on.
GUARD
And I have a hat that has been on his head. There might even be a hair of his in here.
(The girls scream and fight for it. MOE enters and sees them fighting)
MOE
What is that all about?
(GUARD goes over to MOE and girls don't notice because they are too busy fighting over the hat)
GUARD
A little distraction technique I came up with.
MOE
Isn't that your hat?
GUARD
No, it's your hat.
MOE
I don't wear hats.
GUARD
They don't know that.
MOE
Now I see why I keep you around.
GUARD
I'm the best.
MOE
Ah! Incoming!
(SAM and FRED appear)
SAM
Dude!
FRED
Score!
MOE
Run!
(GUARD and MOE run. Girls notice and scream. They all rush after MOE. A Scooby-Do style chase scene happens of everyone running different directions and crashing and MOE trying to hide)
GUARD
Don't they ever give up?
MOE
I quit!
(Everyone stops)
BRIANNA
What?
MOE
That's it. I quit. I'm tired of you all chasing me and going crazy over me... I can't step outside without being mauled. I used to like to take walks in the park... I haven't seen a park in years. I just want to go to a park and feed some ducks... and watch them maul each other over bread. What are you all mauling me over? I don't get it. Why can't you all leave me alone! So I quit. I don't want to be your star anymore. I just want to be able to get a cup of coffee, take a walk and maybe... see a movie. And be left alone! Get it! Stop! I am not doing this anymore.
(MOE leaves)
MORGAN
He's cute when he's angry.
VICTORIA
I got his rant on my phone.
ALEXIS
Put it online. It'll go viral for sure.
BRIANNA
Call it "Moe Quits".
VICTORIA
That video will make us famous!
ALEXIS
And then we'll have fans... chasing us.
MORGAN
Awesome!
GUARD
They'll never learn.
For permission to perform the play, contact doug@freedrama.net
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